


Perseverance

by MulticoloredRose



Series: Into Darkness, Unafraid [5]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alaren Lavellan, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Developing Friendships, Gen, Mages and Templars, POV Cullen, References to Previous Games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 13:47:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17788532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MulticoloredRose/pseuds/MulticoloredRose
Summary: Things worth doing are rarely easy, for anyone. And choosing to change the path you're on comes with it's own challenges, but also it's own rewards.





	Perseverance

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while, but I just restarted the game and jotted this up pretty soon afterwards.  
> I do feel as though Cullen's past is completely ignored in Inquisition having played the other games and as such I wanted to touch more on base with it here. It is a continuation of the Alaren Lavellan series so please enjoy!

**_"Maker turn his gaze on you. I hope your compassion hasn't doomed us all."_ **

**_-Cullen Rutherford: Dragon Age Origins_ **

 

 

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that the newly minted ‘Herald of Andraste’ is a young man barely out of his childhood by most standards. The young mage seems to hold himself with a wisdom that his youthful features try to undermine and a level of patience that seems beyond where he should be. It’s certainly beyond what Cullen could have ever boasted of when he was his age. Not to mention how many wouldn’t associate these kinds of virtues with a Dalish elf and yet, Cullen’s yet to meet someone who doesn’t have a moment of a double take when they actually meet and speak with the young elf. He’s gone through a lot of changes, and been at the end of almost absurd situations from one extreme to the next – accused of murdering the Divine and of murdering hundreds who went to the Conclave looking for peace to being accused of consorting with demons and being a false prophet by those of the faith who still turn to the Chantry for their thoughts and voices – and yet, through it all he retains an almost dignified air about him. Refusing to be rushed or bowed over.

Now though, now he’s being followed by a growing pilgrimage of ‘believers’ who just a few days ago demanded his head. Haven is filled with their voices, their whispers claiming that Andraste has sent Lavellan to them and that his survival and the mark on his hand has obvious demands that he must step up to. It seems that they all seem to believe that they get a piece of this small creature whether they’re parading around demanding he be worshiped or damned.

Cullen’s had the misfortune of hearing all the sides to this unprecedented situation that they’ve found themselves in. He’s also had the misfortune of his own previous failings when it comes to mages, let alone a Dalish one whom the previous Templar Cullen would have just killed outright than give the benefit of the doubt. Dalish mages were no better than an apostate, worse even with their backs turned on Andraste and all things good. There’s shame where there was once unwavering devotion in that. In a history that Cullen once wore so proudly. One filled with so much hate and so much pain. Both caused to him and by him. Where did they go wrong? When did they stumble away from the divine? How did they see what they were doing and attribute it to anything other than man’s cruelty and need for control?

When did Cullen lose sight of it all and stumble? And was there really a chance here to make up for even a tenth of what he did? Did he even have the right to go on and pretend like none of it even happened? Those who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it, but had Cullen learned yet? Or was he just trading one vice for another? One god for a newer one?

“You were in Kirkwall?” The Herald asks him when they’re sitting at the small dinner table. Josephine has stolen Cassandra away and who knows where Leliana will pop up again but she’s not here to buffer between the young mage and Cullen. Cullen’s not really sure if he’s any good at small talk these days, he’s not really sure he ever was.

“Yes.”

“Varric’s from there as well, did you two know each other?” The Herald tries again, his voice gentle and his question so painfully innocent of the history he’s poking at.

“In passing.” Cullen says carefully. He’d run across the dwarf now and then back in Kirkwall, but everyone had at some point. Cullen’s not really sure the depth of the rocks that someone would have needed to have been buried under to not know Varric Tethras, and that was even before he allied himself to the Champion. Even more so before he penned up that horrible book that contained more truths than anyone who had been present would have liked to admit.

Cullen had never read it, but he’d seen how it seemed to spread overnight and how everywhere it seemed like it was in everyone’s hands. Cullen heard a whisper that Divine Justinia had tried to contain or ban it but those were all rumors. The Templars had tried to shut down any printing press guilty of manufacturing a copy, but it never seemed to have any effect at all. If anything, it backfired in the end. Whether the rumors were true or not, more and more people continued to pass it around like it was the sacred writings of a lost prophet and Varric it’s scribe.

Sometimes Cullen wonders if the book did more damage to the fraying relations between mages and Templars than that apostate lover of the Champion ever did. If Varric hadn’t penned it down with such provocative images then Kirkwall might have just gone on, limping along in silence. Maybe the other Circles wouldn’t have rebelled if they hadn’t been made aware of the actual reason for Kirkwall’s Chantry’s demise. Maybe if Varric hadn’t done Anders one final favor in showing the world how easily the tables could be turned then the world they found themselves in now wouldn’t exist.

Or maybe Cullen’s giving Varric too much credit just like the Templars and the Chantry give Anders. Maybe none of this was really Varric’s fault. Kirkwall certainly wasn’t, and if he were completely honest with himself in a way he’s trying to be these days – Kirkwall wasn’t really the apostate’s fault either. The Chantry and the Templars had made their bed and now they were angry that they had to sleep in it, going around and spitting blame at an easy target.

Or easy until the book came out. Then everything got muddled. Was he a monster? Was he a tragic figure? Was he wrong? Or was he right that there was never going to be another way to invoke the change that he’d tried to do for years. Was he a villain? Or was he a romantic fool who was far too human, almost leaping off the pages with each word penned?

Silence had always been the strongest weapon that the Templars and the Circles used against the mages and now, in block letters were all the sins for all to see.

The horror had been tangible…but worse it had been real. Cullen thinks that’s what really damned them all. The knowledge of what was happening behind closed doors. The realization that it wasn’t just an isolated problem but something that was happening everywhere. Once people started talking, it had been too late.

“I’ve never had the chance to read Varric’s _Tale of the Champion_ myself.” The Herald continues. “A few of the Clan had though, and they talked about it…a lot.” He looks at Cullen. “Have you?”

“I lived it.” Cullen says, trying to keep his voice calm and friendly. “I didn’t see the point in reading it afterwards.” _I just wanted to forget_ Cullen thinks.

“Oh…I was just curious if you would say it was accurate.” The Herald replies carefully, like he realizes that he’s stepped on something fragile and broken in Cullen. “I mean, Varric always mentions how much he loves to exaggerate. I guess I was just curious what I might be getting into.” He looks to his side and it’s the first time Cullen sees it. The Tale of the Champion, sitting right there on the bench next to him. It looks newly printed and Cullen doesn’t doubt that Varric’s signed it personally for the Herald before he handed it off to him. Cullen’s in there, he’s sure of it, and he’s sure he’s not a hero.

“I wouldn’t know.” Cullen says eventually, striking down the urge to rip it away and tear it to pieces. “I never intended to read it.”

“My apologies Commander.” The Herald says gently and he takes a moment, eating a bit before he speaks again. “I was wondering if it might be alright for me to go around the areas surrounding Haven tomorrow.”

“Why?” Cullen accepts the change in topic immediately. He’s almost ashamed how quickly he leaps on it.

“We’re low on healing supplies. I heard Alan mention the dangerously low stores of elfroot.” The Herald replies. “I thought I might see what I could find. I mean, there’s not much for me to do right now while Leliana searches out that Chantry mother.” He looks at Cullen. “I’d like to be as useful as I possibly can be during this interim.”

“I’ll see if Cassandra is free. If not, I’ll accompany you myself.”

“If other duties require your attention, I could always make sure that I stay close to the walls. Or perhaps I could take Solas or Varric with me. Maybe both if neither is preoccupied.”

“Solas is a talented practitioner, and Varric’s proficiency with his crossbow is certainly nothing to scoff at.” Cullen says slowly. “But I know that I would feel more comfortable knowing that either Cassandra or myself was with you. I’m sure that Cassandra feels similar about it.”

“Yes.” The Herald nods slightly. “She has made me promise her not to wander off without a guide after this morning.”

“This morning?” Cullen asks. “What happened this morning?”

“Oh, nothing happened.” He’s quick to soothe. “I had just wandered to a more…secluded and quiet location than Cassandra would have liked, without alerting anyone where I was going.” He gets a slightly chastised look and it reminds Cullen how young he is. “I admit in hindsight that it was not my most brilliant of moments. I should have made sure that someone knew where I was, Cassandra was absolutely correct in that.”  

“Cassandra is tasked with your protection, we all are.” Cullen reminds him. “Without you, without your mark – we are powerless in front of the Breach. I understand that it may be…chafing but your situation is both vital and precarious. There are many who would like to see us fail for one reason or another and they will not hesitate to harm you if given even the slightest of chances.”  The Herald gets a complicated look.

“Yes, Cassandra told me about the assassination attempts.” He says softly after a moment. “I did not realize that there had been any, let alone several. As I said, I completely understand her request and I agreed to follow it.”

“When you’re inside Haven, you need not be too concerned.” Cullen offers. “I’m sure that those who attacked before did so because they thought you a simple enough target. You were unconscious after all. Now though, something tells me that they’d get a very rude awakening about attacking a mage.” The Herald smiles slightly. “I’ll see about getting you the guard. Either Cassandra or I will be waiting for you in the morning.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime Herald.” Cullen says and the Herald scrunches his nose slightly in distaste.

“If you wanted.” He offers, “you could just call me Alaren. Honestly the whole ‘Herald’ thing unsettles me.”

“It does?”

“Of course.” The Herald née Alaren, says. “I mean, it’s not true.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I’m pretty certain.” Alaren says with a small smile. “I don’t feel any divine calls reaching out for me, and I’m sure that I’d be the first in line to declare it a false title. Cassandra and Josephine have pressed on with it though, I wish they wouldn’t, but here we are.”

“It opens a lot of doors.”

“Yes…but I fear that those doors might slam in our faces the day that everyone else catches up with what we already know, which is that I am not the chosen savior of Andraste. I’m just a person who either got very lucky or very unlucky. Only time will tell us which.”

“The masses need a symbol. They need something or someone that can make them feel like these dark days will pass. During the Blight, that’s the Warden’s. Apparently during a Fade Breach, that’s you.”

“I’ll do my best.” Alaren promises easily. “I hope that this all gets settled sooner rather than later.”

“Will you return to your clan once it is?”

“If I’m not arrested for heresy or murder?” Alaren says with a small smile. “I do believe so, yes. It has…been a while since I’ve been home. I’ve grown rather homesick it seems.”

“I know a thing or two about that.” Cullen agrees before he looks at the Inquisition soldier trying to get his attention. “Get some rest, either Cassandra or I will be by in the morning.”

“Thank you, Commander.” Alaren says the title and Cullen knows what he’s aiming for and he finds himself giving it.

“You can just call me Cullen.” He offers and Alaren smiles.

“Until next time Cullen.”

“Until next time Alaren.”

~*~

“How are you finding all of this?” Cullen finds himself asking as Alaren brushes some snow away from another small sapling of elfroot before he checks it’s leaves and seems satisfied with its maturity before he cuts off a few leaves and puts them into the bag on his side.

“Magic.” Alaren says as he stands and rubs his hands together again, no doubt using some form of magic to warm them like he’s been doing this whole time. Personally, Cullen thinks it’d just be easier if he’d wear a thicker jacket, but he understands the need for lighter armor when it comes to a mages form. They need freedom and unrestricted movement and heavy furs are one of the more cumbersome things that one can wear.

“You have a spell that seeks out elfroot?” Cullen asks with a heavy amount of disbelief in his tone, like he thinks the Herald is having him on and Alaren chuckles lightly.

“No, not for elfroot specifically.” He says. “It’s more of a sort of…communication with nature.”

“…Truly?” Cullen asks and he doesn’t sound very believing.

“Truly.” Alaren laughs when he sees whatever it is he sees on Cullen’s face. “Okay, here. I’ll prove it. It’s a simple enough thing.” He closes his eyes for a second before he points. “There’s some sort of plant over there that is ready for harvest. There are minerals in the rockface over there.” He points again before looking at Cullen. Cullen takes a second before he goes over to the first place and sure enough, there is an elfroot sapling under the snow.

“Honestly? You just know?”

“I wouldn’t say I just know. Consider it like…a magical dowsing.” Alaren explains, coming over and checking the plant before taking a few leaves from it as well. “I have to actively use it. It’s not just something I know at all times.”

“I’ve never heard of an ability like that.”

“It’s not really an ability as it is a trained skillset.” Alaren replies. “It’s a useful expansion of learning how to feel the flow of life and magic in the world around you.”

“I’ve never…” Cullen trails off, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth suddenly.

“You’ve never?” Alaren asks gently and Cullen takes a deep breath.

“I’ve never heard of such an ability when I served in the Circle.” He replies and Alaren gets a temporarily complicated look.

“You haven’t? Not one mage?”

“Not that I know of, it doesn’t mean that they don’t, just that I don’t recall.”

“Oh…” Alaren says and he walks over to another plant. “I hadn’t thought of it as something…odd, to be able to do.” He says it in a way that makes Cullen think of Josephine backtracking in a diplomatic meeting.

“It seems very useful.” Cullen offers. “It’ll come in handy I’m sure.” Alaren gives him a small smile at that as he stands and pats his bag.

“It certainly makes searching for elfroot a much easier task.” He says. “But we should probably get this back, I would hate to deprive the Inquisition of it’s Commander for too long.”

Cullen doesn’t often recognize when he’s missed something, but there’s something about the situation he’s just experienced that tells him he has. He just wishes he knew what it was.

They make it back to the Chantry early enough after dropping off the satchel of elfroot, and the irritated look on Chancellor Roderick’s face at everyone praising the Herald is just icing on the cake. It’s interesting to watch the young elf move about the camp, floating in and out of areas almost like a Fade wisp himself. He spends the morning with Alan, where Cullen checks in on him a few times grinding and mixing potions and chatting with Solas about, rather unwise as far as Cullen is concerned, Fade decisions that the apostate has done in the times prior to the Inquisition before he moves off to the refugees coming into the area and assisting with any healing needs that they have. The Inquisition doesn’t have a ready supply of mages with healing abilities and so no one sends him away. He spends his off time with Varric, allowing the storyteller to entrance him and use him as a prop for his storytelling with the children later in the day before Cassandra returns and pulls him into a meeting to inform him of Mother Giselle’s location gleaned from Leliana’s scouts.

“You like him.” Leliana says later in the night when Alaren has bid them all goodnight and wandered off with Solas for a late-night debate on mage politics.

“I think he’s a good foundation.” Cullen replies to that honestly, and with the Divine dead and the Chantry flailing the world needs a good foundation more than ever. “If he maintains this image, it’ll be hard pressed for the Chantry to foster ill will in those who have interacted with him.”

“Josie said something similar.” Leliana replies to that. “However, Cassandra fears that his…open nature might bring harm down upon him, even within Haven’s walls.”

“I agree.” Cullen says easily. “I think he should have a guard on him at all times.” He takes a moment. “If at all possible, I’d like to keep it out of his sight. He has enough to worry about without jumping at shadows.”  

“Jumping at shadows is our job.” Leliana agrees with a nod. “I’ll put some of my scouts on it, but you or Cassandra should endeavor to remain close by should he require you.”

“Cassandra’s going with him to the Hinterlands. He’ll be in good hands.”

“Agreed.” Leliana says before she stands. “Goodnight Cullen.”

“Goodnight Leliana.”  

~*~

To a point, Cullen thinks that while Mother Giselle might not be as damning of the Inquisition as the rest of her order, he sort of wishes that she wasn’t here. There’s a sort of remembrance being near her and having her walk the halls of his days as a Templar and Cullen would rather not deal with that. Unfortunately though, the Chantry mother has signed onto the Inquisition for better or worse and while the ‘faithful’ who have flocked to the Herald of Andraste’s side adore and are soothed by her presence in spite of the Chantry’s denouncement of the Inquisition, some of the Inquisitor’s inner circle are not as pleased.

Cullen thinks that Alaren is the most affected by her presence though, even though it seems like that’s becoming a common thread. Everything that seems to be happening these days affects the young mage more than anyone else around him. The Herald seems to be trying to avoid the Chantry mother where he can, going so far as to jump into random conversations with Josephine or Cullen or Solas or really anyone to seem too busy to just idly chat with her. Cullen’s not surprised, the woman seems determined to ‘gently lead’ the Herald to Andraste and Alaren appears trapped by his own manners at the woman’s constant preaching.

Cullen’s starting to think that an hour doesn’t go by when he doesn’t hear the young mage say something along the lines of: I’m not Andraste’s chosen savior, I’m not chosen of the Maker, I’m not a believer or some other variant of that. Personally, Cullen thinks that he should just make cards of some sort and hand them out to the Chantry mother each time she tries again.

“Hey Cullen, if you have a moment might I trouble you?” Alaren asks softly, knocking on the door to Cullen’s ‘office’ and Cullen looks up and nods.

“Of course, I always have time if you need me.” Cullen says, motioning for the elf to enter and Alaren closes the door behind him. “What did you need?”

“I was wondering if…” Alaren takes a moment, looking like he’s trying to find the right words to ask his request. “We ran into a lot of Templars in the Hinterlands while we were there and Cassandra thinks that we’ll run into a lot more before all of this is done.”

“Yes, it’s unfortunate what has become of the Order.” Cullen says like he’s expected to and he wonders if he really means that. This isn’t really any different than the order’s been. They broke away from the Chantry because the Chantry tried to curtail their indiscriminate mage killing and tranquil-ing. Not exactly the most favorable reason for rebellion.

“Well, Cassandra was able to handle the Templars we ran across. She did not think that they were long or high in the Templar Order from their fighting style and how much trouble they were having with the mages.” Alaren takes a moment. “I was wondering…if you were of a mind for it…could we train together?”

“You wish to train with me?” Cullen asks surprised. “I’m not much for mage training.”

“I didn’t want mage training.” Alaren replies to that. “I was hoping for training about what to expect and how to deal with a Templar rushing me. I’ve never fought a Templar, or met one really before the Conclave. Clan Lavellan tended to stay far away from them as you can imagine, but it seems unwise to not know anything about my potential attacker’s abilities or training.” The request is a good one, and Cullen could easily set Alaren up with some of the Templar recruits but he knows that this is something that he should probably handle himself. Less chance for an ‘accident’ to befall the young mage.

“I am not…what I was.” Cullen says carefully. “There are a lot of Templar methods that I do not…cannot use anymore.”

“I understand.” Alaren accepts his comment easily and Cullen nods.

“Alright, meet me at dawn on the training grounds. We’ll see what might be done.” Cullen says and Alaren agrees before he bids him goodnight and leaves. He’s at the battlements in the morning, doing some kind of stretching with Cassandra before the Seeker nods at Cullen and leaves the young mage in his care as she heads off to go train herself. There aren’t a lot of people up at this time, just the guard rotations and Cullen takes off his jacket to start. “Alright, I take it that you’re not feeling a blade.” Cullen says as he grabs one of the practice blades.

“If possible, using my staff would be preferred.” Alaren agrees.

“That won’t get you very far with a real Templar.” Cullen warns. “If they nullify the magic in the area your staff will be useless to you.”

“Oh, I very much doubt that.” Alaren says with a small, almost secretive smile. “How about we test it? I won’t use magic during our training sessions at all to mimic being unable to use it if one does do such a thing?”

“It’s more than just not being able to use your magic for a short time. I’m told it’s a very…unsettling thing to experience for a mage. It can knock them off balance.”

“Well…I guess we’ll prepare as best we can.” Alaren grabs his staff from where he’s set it up against a tent. “Thank you for agreeing to this.”

“I understand the necessity of it.” Cullen replies as he comes over. “Let’s see what you can do and then we’ll come up with a plan.”

“Sounds good.”

What he can do apparently, is completely surprise Cullen. The young mage seems unbothered by using his staff as a contact weapon, twisting and twirling and snapping it up to be in the place that it needs to be in order to both defend and attack a moment later. He moves with a fluidity that is as impressive to watch as it is undoubtedly dangerous and Cullen thinks that if all mages knew how to do things like this that the ‘mage rebellion’ would already be over with mages reigning supreme.

“Who taught you?” Cullen asks after a while of showing Alaren around the ropes now that he’s not concerned about hurting the young mage and Alaren shrugs.

“We all learned.” He replies. “Everyone learned self-defense in multiple situations. That wasn’t changed or forgotten when someone manifested magic, it was just an extra bonus.”

“Perhaps the Dalish Keepers should be in charge of the Circles.” Cullen says, and he means it as a joke yet he realizes the inappropriateness of it moments later. “I’m sorry, that was wrong of me.”

“No, I see no harm.” Alaren replies easily. “Although I do not believe that all Keepers are equal, just like all other trainers aren’t.”

“Is that why you have a blade on you?” Cullen asks. “I noticed you always have some form of dagger on your person.”

“It’s a last resort.” Alaren admits. “One I hope to never have to use…but I guess I’m not so naïve these days to think I won’t. I mean…I once hoped that I would never have to take a life and yet it feels like that’s all I’m doing these days.” There’s something raw there, something pained hidden under the soft surface.

“Was the scuffle in the Hinterlands your first time taking a life?” Cullen asks and Alaren takes a moment before he nods.

“It was.”

“I’m sorry.”

“As am I.” Alaren takes a moment. “We did the best we could to talk them down, or even just knock them unconscious but the ones who were determined…there wasn’t a way to control the whole battlefield when there were so many running around and attacking everything that moved.” Alaren gets a sad look. “I think I was probably the biggest hinderance to Cassandra and even to Varric and Solas on the field. I held back, no one else did.”

“That’s why we go in teams. To fill in those spots.”

“I know I guess I just…” Alaren takes a moment. “It’s different?”

“What’s different?”

“When people talk about what might have to happen, what you might have to do.” He replies softly. “They train you and you think you’re prepped and ready for it…and then it happens and everything just…and there’s no time to deal with it, with what you’ve done before the next one is flinging themselves at you and you have to do it _again_.” He runs a hand through his hair. “You must think me very naïve.”

“Not at all.” Cullen says, putting away the sword and coming over. “The first time I took a life my commanding officer looked down on me.” He admits and it’s a story he’s never shared. It was shameful at the time how Cullen responded to that mage who had broken their phylactery and had tried to make a break for it. “I had done what was expected of me, what I had been trained to do and in the moments following it…it hadn’t felt like what I thought it would. I thought I would feel validated or vindicated maybe, but instead it felt like I had done something unforgiveable.” Cullen shrugs helplessly. “I’m just saying, I know a bit what that’s like and I’m sorry to say that it does get easier. Perhaps it shouldn’t but I think if it didn’t, we’d all go mad.” Alaren nods slightly in understanding.

“Well, I guess I’ll hold out hope that we end this quickly. Maybe we’ll save so much more than we take.” Alaren says and Cullen nods.

“I think that’s a worthy goal to have in mind.” He motions back to Haven’s doors. “Go get some breakfast, we’re done for now.” Alaren nods and walks away and Cullen watches him go.

“Cullen?” Cassandra’s voice is unsure next to him as she calls out for him and Cullen looks at her. “Are you alright?”

“He’s a child Cassandra.” Cullen admits finally. “None of this should be on his shoulders.”

“I know.” Cassandra admits in a rare moment of melancholy. “Yet there is no other. Andraste chose him, who are we to question?”

“Maybe he’s right.” Cullen states. “Maybe he’s not chosen at all and the rest of us just hide behind that convenient thought process.”

“Be he chosen by Andraste or fate, the mark is still his to bear and the task falls to him. We cannot take this burden from him.” She glances at him. “But we can try to make it easier.” Cullen knows what she’s doing, it’s obvious. No one has ever claimed that Cassandra is a subtle individual in anything.

She’s trying to get him to be invested, to be involved on more than a surface level. She’s trying to give him something to combat the lyrium withdraws and to give him something to hold onto in the dark moments. Apparently, she’ll take anything she can get and she’s decided that a young elven mage is the hill to which she wants to plant her flag.

“He’ll need all the help he can get.” Cullen admits after a moment of silence and Cassandra smiles, knowing that she’s won some sort of battle.

~*~

“So you’ve finished it.” Cullen says, one night when he doesn’t see Varric’s story sitting on the seat next to the young elf. Alaren glances up at him and nods.

“I have.”

“Then you know.”

“Know what Cullen?” Alaren asks and Cullen gives him a look.

“Don’t be coy. You know the role I played. I may not have read it, but I know that Varric holds no kindness for me after what I did there.”

“Do you refer to Meredith?” Alaren asks, and he puts down his silverware and looks at the Commander. “Or do you mean earlier than that? You’re not a…particularly well painted figure in the tale, no.” Alaren takes a moment. “Yet at the same time, you are not without redemption.”

“Redemption?”

“You took a stand. At least in the book, I’m not sure about real life. But without your aid the final fight might have turned out quite differently.”

“You give me far too much credit.”

“Perhaps.” Alaren agrees. “Or perhaps you’re not giving yourself enough.” Alaren sighs. “I don’t know what went down in Kirkwall, I only have this story to go by but it sounds like things were falling apart at the seams long before you showed up and long after you arrived.”

“I didn’t help matters when I should have.”

“It’s all hindsight.” Alaren tells him. “It’s easy to say what we should have done when we have the whole picture at our disposal…but I think you should talk to Varric. I don’t think you come across as…evil as you think you do.”

“Then he undersold it.”

“Are you proud of it?” Alaren asks and Cullen recoils.

“Maker no. The things I did, the things I believed…”

“Do you think that there is a point where we should determine someone unable to change their nature? To stop and look around and _learn_ that they were not who they wished to be and made a change?”

“I’m not changed Alaren.” Cullen tells him honestly. “I’m still that same man. I’m still the same man to demanded the Hero of Ferelden kill all the mages in the tower just because I felt that blood needed to be split to avenge my fallen brethren. I’m still the same man who sought out and hurt and terrorized mages afterwards. There’s a reason Meredith chose me and it wasn’t my training or my skills, it was my hatred of the mages.” It shames him to say this, but he feels he must. The Herald will hear about it sooner or later. “I’m still the same man who hunted them down for just existing…I’m still the same man.” Cullen says and he’s destroyed by that knowledge.

“Are you?” Alaren asks and Cullen looks up at him. “Because I’m not sure I see it. Do I think you’ve done things you’re not proud of? Do I think you hurt innocent people? Yes, yes I do. I am not blind to who you were.” Alaren’s eyes turn soft. “I am also not blind to who you could be. Who you might become. We are all a culmination of our choices, yes – but we can make the choice to make new ones. To not go down the same paths we did before. I believe in giving someone the dignity of their choices, be they the same or be they changed. People are not set in stone Cullen, we can change. We _do_ change, every day. We learn, and through learning we see our shortcomings and our failings. I don’t think the door should be closed because of how you might have been taught once upon a time.”

“I don’t deserve a second chance.”

“No one deserves anything, not really.” Alaren replies easily. “But I think there’s a strength in starting over. Not in forgetting, there’s no strength in that, but in pushing forward and making up for what the past you might have wrought.” Alaren motions around them. “And I think this Inquisition is a good place to try. We’re all renegades and misfits and other unscrupulous things here, but we’re working together to help. I think that’s a powerful thing and I think that has the power to change not just the people involved, but the people we come across.”

“That’s a very…idealistic view.”

“Maybe the world could use a few more idealists then.” Alaren replies to that with a smile, and after a few moments, Cullen finds himself matching it.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.” Cullen says in agreeance.

~*~

Madame De Fer is a force to be reckoned with.

She comes into Haven with her small attaché and practically settles herself into the proceedings like a Queen amongst peasants. She’s certainly a surprising ally for Alaren to decide to bring into the Inquisition and yet many find themselves either in awe of the female mage or comforted by her presence. She’s a symbol of how things should be as far as many who still hold to the old way and who still hope that it’ll return to it are concerned. She’s a bastion of the old ways in the flesh whereas Alaren is anything but.

“We are reliant on Cullen’s people entirely.” Vivienne says to Alaren and the young mage disagrees.

“Training more Templars in all but name isn’t the answer.” Alaren tells her over dinner. “Mages should be taught to withstand, taught not to fear instead of teaching them that they have to watch their backs again.”

“There is a reason why we must be watched my dear.” Vivienne tells him. “We are all dangerous, just like fire is dangerous. Anyone who forgets that simple lesson gets burned.”

“A fire is an unfeeling and unthinking force of nature with no ability to reason and be reasoned with.” Alaren replies. “To compare a mage who is an individual to something like that is doing a disservice to both the mage and to yourself.”

“Tell me my dear, if this little rebellion had not occurred do you believe that the Breach would still be in the sky?”

“I think there’s no way to know the answer to that.” Alaren says. “But do I believe that something massive like the Breach would have occurred eventually? Yes, yes I do. To a point I believe that it was inevitable.”

“You believe mages going around and slaughtering indiscriminately was inevitable? Darling you do us a much bigger disservice than I.”

“I believe that you’re being intentionally obtuse.” Alaren replies back to that and Cullen watches in surprise as Vivienne _smiles_ at the young mage. It’s clear that she’s not used to people engaging her in debates or disputes. “I believe that a system of oppression and hatred that denounces and destroys and defiles an entire branch of the population was always going to be challenged at some point. People will only take so much after all before eventually they start pushing back.”

“Are you speaking of the mages or the elves?”

“I’m speaking in a general thought process.” Alaren says. “What titles or groupings you choose to give it is your own.”

“I will admit, I was curious about you and this Inquisition before.” Vivienne says, swirling her wine in her glass and looking at the young herald.

“And now?” Alaren asks.

“I am so much more curious, my dear.” She takes a sip. “I do so hate being bored.”

“Well we’ll endeavor to be sure that you’re never bored Madame.” Alaren replies and she smiles again.

“I look forward to seeing you hold to that. It should be interesting.”

~*~

“I’m surprised that you invited Vivienne into the Inquisition.” Cullen says during their next training session and Alaren blocks a jab and twists to the side.

“You are?”

“She’s not…exactly the picture that you paint.”

“That’s one of the reasons why I accepted her request.” Alaren replies to that. “Ignoring the old status quo and pretending it doesn’t exist does us no favors. Vivienne is highly respected and she’s well-connected and intelligent. I thought we would only benefit from her inclusion.” Alaren blocks another jab. “I may not agree with her stances on things, but I will not discredit her knowledge or what she’s managed to accomplish over the years.”

“Is that why you haven’t snapped at Mother Giselle yet?” Cullen asks and Alaren makes a pained face at the mention of the Chantry mother.

“Mother Giselle means well, and she helps a lot. Personally, I’d rather debate mage politics with Vivienne than sit through more ‘Andraste’s path dictates your own’ speeches but we all do what we must.”

“Do you think Vivienne will change?”

“I think I don’t know the future.” Alaren parry’s easily. “But I do think that there is a good chance at her being a solid aid and ally in whatever might come.”

“I think Josephine has wept tears of praise to the Maker.” Cullen jokes and Alaren tilts his head slightly with a smile.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re very…diplomatic and rational in your choices. Very easily things could be different in that regard. You could have told Vivienne to take a hike along with Mother Giselle the first time she hounded you.”

“That would win no one any favors.” Alaren replies and Cullen nods.

“That there is exactly what I mean. Could you imagine someone more like Cassandra or Solas being the Herald?”

“I could actually.” Alaren admits. “And I do not think that I would do better than they, but I do hope that I achieve something…good by later definitions when we’re all done.”

“Later definitions?”

“Yes.” Alaren nods, letting Cullen show him how he misplaced his footing on that last block. “One of my teachers once told me that you don’t get to choose who writes your story or how they paint you in the end. You can only do what you feel you must and hope that it’s enough for someone to look back on and see the genuine desire in the chaos.”

“Sounds like a wise teacher.”

“She is.” Alaren nods.

“Your Keeper?”

“No, Keeper Istimaethoriel is very knowledgeable and very wise, and I am honored to have had the opportunity to learn under her for a time, but she was not this teacher.”

“Do you think our story will be written of fondly?”

“I think only time will tell.” Alaren replies to that and Cullen figures he agrees.

~*~

“I don’t trust it.” Cullen says, coming into Alaren’s room the moment the young mage opens the door. “It’s too convenient and it’s far too dangerous.” Alaren doesn’t say anything about his rudeness or his impropriety.

“Even if it is, Leliana and Cassandra are right. We cannot ignore Alexius’s presence in Redcliffe.” Alaren replies.

“Let me see if Barrows is willing to push back the meeting, I will accompany you as well.”

“We need the meeting with the Templars as soon as possible.” Alaren says to that. “And to a point you will be.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been training me. I’ve got a better chance because of it. Plus, Iron Bull is pretty terrifying when he chooses to be.”

“The Qunari isn’t someone you should just trust right out of the gate. He’s admitted to being a spy.”

“Yes, he has. But I think that Tevinter and the Breach is a bigger concern to him than a mage running around sealing rifts. After all the rifts are gone, well that might be a different story, but for now I believe we might be all dedicated to the same goal.”

“Speaking of Tevinter, you trust this Pavus fellow?”

“Dorian?” Alaren asks before he takes a moment. “I do actually.” He admits. “Or at least I trust that he is not Venatori, whatever or whoever they are, and I trust that he does want to stop Alexius. I don’t know his motives past that, but I do believe that on our current path we are walking the same one.” Alaren shrugs slightly. “And he’s not incorrect. The only way we get anyone into the castle is if he assists, which he has offered. We’re not in the position to be turning down offers of aid no matter how strange a place they might come from.”

“You must be careful with that train of thought. As noble as it can be, sometimes there are reasons why many cannot be trusted.”

“I know my friend.” Alaren says and Cullen jolts at that. “Cullen? Did I say something wrong?”

“No, not at all.” Cullen is quick to cover it up. “But promise me that you will not leave their sides. Do not let Alexius draw you out and away from them at any point in time.”

“I will do my best.” Alaren says and Cullen is mollified by that promise.

In hindsight he shouldn’t have been. He’s told about how Alaren and Dorian got pulled into the future, he’s told how Alaren negotiated with Fiona and with King Alistair about the mages joining the Inquisition and assisting with the Breach. He’s told all of this though without the young mage present. Alaren took off to his rooms the moment after arriving at Haven to discuss the new allies arriving. There was something…muted about him during the whole affair, something drawn and tired. Solas seemed to notice it too and followed after the young elf to offer whatever aid he could and Dorian Pavus apparently decided that sticking around to aid the Inquisition was something he wanted to do as well.

Cullen figures that Alaren had been right about the Tevinter mage. Without Dorian’s help Alaren would have died, surrounded by those who should have protected him but who had no knowledge or understanding of what Alexius had intended to do. Dorian also turned his back on his countrymen and has basically painted a target on himself in order to stand against this ‘Elder One’ and prevent the future from ever happening.

“We will require a carriage.” Solas says. “The Herald is in no shape to ride out to Therinfall. At the moment he needs rest.”

“He will have it.” Cullen replies with a nod. The elven apostate goes to leave when Cullen speaks again. “How is he? He looked…troubled when he left the meeting.” Troubled is hardly the right word to encompass how the young mage looked, but Solas for once is kind enough not to call him out on it.

“He is.” Solas admits, not turning around from where he’s standing, holding the door handle. “But I believe that there are wells of strength inside of him that will help him bounce back from this horrifying ordeal.”

“I agree.” Cullen says. “I just wish he didn’t have to call on them so frequently.”

“On that Commander, it seems we agree.” Solas replies before he leaves the area and Cullen runs a hand over his face. As much as he hopes that Therinfall will go smoothly, some inner inkling inside of him lets him know that his luck isn’t that good.

And neither is Alaren’s it appears.

And that bad luck holds when after the absolute travesty that the Templars have made of themselves comes to pass and the Breach is sealed – Corypheus attacks. Corypheus attacks and he takes Haven and the Herald with him.

Cullen sits out in the snow, a feeling of ineptitude and loss running through him. What are they supposed to do now? The Herald is dead, there will be no more closed rifts and no more hope in these dark times.

 _“Perhaps you’ll find a way, surprise him somehow.”_ Cullen remembers saying to the young mage as he turned to do what had been bidden of him and lead Haven’s population out through the tunnels. They’re alive right now because of what Alaren did.

More than that, the Iron Bull and Varric are alive because he sent them away and drew all the attention to himself.

If Cullen were to pen up his story right now, it would be a testament to the loss of a new yet good friend and the hope of the world. But Cullen knows that he won’t be the one who pens up Alaren’s tale, the short yet deeply felt story. He knows it’ll be the one story of Varric’s he does read when it leaves the presses. He wonders how the dwarf will immortalize another hero who he has crossed paths with.

“Come, let us do the rounds.” Cassandra says and Cullen nods, feeling the bite of lyrium’s withdraw so deeply and he just follows her. The rounds are quiet, a small blessing, before Cassandra spots something and points. “What’s that? Up on the hill?” Cullen turns to look and he sees a figure that he thought he never would again fall down to his knees in the snow and list to the side.

Alaren. He’s alive. How could he have possibly withstood the blizzard in… the memory of Alaren using his magic to stay warm while they hunted for herbs rushes to his mind as he rushes forward to the elf. He doesn’t even bother wondering how he found them, maybe that was the dowsing ability he spoke of before, it doesn’t really matter. He’s here, and he’s hurt.

“I’ve got him. Soldiers go ahead and alert the healers!” Cullen demands as he reaches down and picks up the other. Alaren doesn’t respond to him at all and Cullen wonders for a brief, horrible moment if all of his strength and life has just fled him right at the doorstep of the camp.

“He’ll pull through.” Cassandra tells him, her voice sounding as firm in her belief in that statement as she usually reserves for her faith. “He would not make it this far and then no further.”

“I hope you’re right.” Cullen says and he waits outside the tent for when Solas finally emerges. The whole group is sitting by, having practically created a mini camp right out front of the tent the Herald has been pulled into and he nods.

“He will make it.” Solas says and Cullen feels like he can breathe again. It’s clear that’s a common feeling going around the group if what he sees visually is any indicator. “He needs rest, and we’ll be forced to remain at this location for a little longer than you would have liked, but I do not recommend moving him at this point.”

“We will remain until he is strong enough.” Cassandra says firmly. “Do not concern yourself with that.” Cullen waits a bit before he enters the tent and he looks down at the young elf being fussed over by healers. He looks worse than he did when he stumbled out of the Fade and Cullen isn’t sure how to feel about that.

“He is strong Commander.” Mother Giselle says, coming over. “The Maker has returned him to us. Hope is not lost.”

“No…no it isn’t.” Cullen agrees.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment!


End file.
